Paranoia

I thought things will be smooth when I finally found someone significant and I won't hesitate to be in a relationship but I was wrong.

I just figured out that I actually have self issues and I never thought what I went through in my previous relationship could affect me badly now. I knew I was emotionally abused by Alwi back then and I took it and believed every single thing that he said about me (mostly my flaws). But I never thought I actually subconsciously still believing it.

Afif once told me that, he doesn't like an overly attached girlfriend - a type of girlfriend who can't do stuff without the boyfriend, not living her life as an individual and her life mainly revolves around her boyfriend. When he told me that, I am pretty sure I am not that type of girl as I've been living my whole life on my own throughout my singlehood. I know what to do, I know the things that I do and I don't need a man to lean on - I am emotionally independent.

But just when I closed my eyes, every single words that Alwi once uttered to me came haunting my night thoughts;

"You are very clingy to me. You are obsessed with me. I rimas okay! Our problems started because of you. Kalau you tak menyibuk too much into my stuff, I wouldn't go out with her at the first place!"

Yes, I remember it clearly that I became obsessive when I felt something wrong about him and the girl he just met. I would asked his whereabouts and wanting him to text me 24 hours a day because I thought that's the only way I can secure him. But I was wrong. They had an affair and that's one of the many reasons why we broke up. My friend told me he was manipulating me because the blame is on him. Yes, it's possible for anyone to fall for another person but cheating is always an option. But I was vulnerable back then, I believed that Alwi was right about me. If only I didn't behave that way, perhaps he would've had more space and didn't feel suffocate being with me because we both were going through growing pains back then. If only I understood that phase of our lives at that time... I felt like a monster to him...

And of course the thoughts hit me hard. What if, that is how I truly behave when I have boyfriend? Like, that is my true colour? It would be impossible for any man to withstand that version of me - a living nightmare.

So, when Afif told me that, it reminds me to what kind of monster I am capable to be. How am I supposed to know how clingy can be overly attached? How mengada-ngada can be so mengada-ngada?  The thoughts are making me to be more self conscious. Instead of focusing in giving him the best version of me and wanting to stay with him, I feel more like preparing myself to leave whenever he no longer likes me...

I just wanna feel free in loving him.