Someone like you

Nobody knows me better than you do.

Although I hate the fact that you were manipulating me back then but because I believed so much in you, you never failed to make me feel secure with our relationship.

Only you knew the right way to treat me.

I still couldn't find someone like you.

Empty

I don't know why lately I'm feeling mellow but I'm starting to miss all those stuff that we do when we have someone special in our hearts. Oh yes, I'm talking about romance again...

It's not that I'm starting to feel lonely but the feel to give and share my happiness, to have my downs with somebody special. Sincerely, willingly.

But it seems like I just can't do it with anyone, not anymore.

Maybe you've seen me with someone, you might call me a swinger, you see me as a heartbreaker but none of them actually got a room in my heart. I got lost in confusion, trapped in denial and what did I get in the end? I foretell the ending and go and create the cause.

Sometimes I asked myself why is it so hard to forget someone that has hurt me in the past? And all I want to do is forget. It's true that first love taught me well but only time will heal. It's amusing to found that it has been almost two years since we broke up but this one particular person is still going through my mind, sometimes.

Most of the times I put the blame on him.

Which of course, that is just an excuse.

I'm prejudiced against guys yet I love having them around just to make fun of them.

They became my puppet, my lab mice.

And what did I get in the end?

Satisfaction?

I'm not sure either as the hypothesis will always be the same and predictable.

They say karma will get me back but I replied "I got it first! Let me do the karma this time! Now things are even, isn't it?"

I think I've played alot and I began to lose that touch, that sense of loving someone purely and sincerely.

Now I found myself missing to do something for someone special with all my heart.

To hold someone dearly.

To have him in my mind constantly.

To be the one that he needs.

To be the one who draw the smiles on his face.

To have the feeling of us getting stronger each day.

But all I've got now... I just can't have that feelings after all the flirtatious disses gone.

That's why I asked myself, "and now what?"

Now it's time to;

Save myself.

End up alone.

Again. 

Sia-sia.

Setelah cinta pergi
Ku mengusung duka ini diiringi
Kisah janji dimungkiri lagi

Sia-siaku
Mencintaimu
Setia padamu Percayakanmu
Menunggumu

Beribu sesalanku
"Anis, lelaki ni sebenarnya dia tahu apa yg dia nak. If dia main-main macam tu, maknanya tak sesuai jadi lelaki lah tu. Sorry to say, dia bukan lelaki untuk you."

"Tapi kalau you choose lelaki yang decision tak tetap ni, you yang sakit one day. Girls memang banyak berubah, banyak kelemahan. That's why lelaki kene wise nak bentuk perempuan, to protect her, tunjuk jalan yang betul. Takkan you nak jaga lelaki kot? Cuba fikir dalam-dalam."

"Find someone better than him if you pun rasa mcm tu. Banyak lagi lelaki yang wise. Cari lelaki yang boleh pimpin you, yang boleh bentuk you. Bukan lelaki yang boleh buat you confused. You nak masuk syurga, you kena cari lelaki yang nak pergi syurga. Simple as that."

"Yes, he changed to be a better lover. But not for you. For her. BECAUSE of her. Not you."

"I think he's in his own world of nothing. He doesn't know what he wants and you keep rooting for his happiness. Dah la Anis, he's not worth your sacrifices.

"Then let me ask u :
How long you have waited for that particular IF happens?
Is it worth the wait?
And is it somehow showing sign that it is going to happen?
If the answer is yes i will step down from prohibiting you clinging to Alwi but surely and clearly the answer is NO.
But for you to make this move, its painful. You need to swallow it all although you know that you can't afford it in the first place."

"Kalau dia cari kau, kau lari. Orang lain bole buat. Kalau die cari kau lagi nampak sgt kau layan dia."

Tapi.. aku kesian. Dia takder kawan macam kita. Nobody understands him better than I do. He will get lost.

"Whatever shit happens to him, that's karma!"

"He's giving you false hope. Stick it up into your head."

"From the way I see things, you fucked up yourself more rather than firming yourself up regarding boys but you're just making yourself weaker after he left."

"Whatever decision you'll be making after this, just a little advice; jangan jadi bodoh."






It was the memories.
It wasn't love.
I was wrong.


"Betul tak kalau saya cakap, awak buat semua itu bukan sebab sayang awak dekat dia. Look at yourself. You've been living good for the past few months but because he came back, lama-lama awak get delusional with your memories."

"Awak dah lepaskan dia lama dulu dah."

"Awak.. sampai bila awak nak jadi macam nih? Awak sendiri pun tak pernah sayang diri sendiri, macam mana awak nak sayang dia atau pun orang lain? Sanggup awak seksa diri awak macam nih. Fikirlah. Takder sapa suruh awak buat pilihan, tapi semua orang nak tengok awak happy, happy loving yourself. That's all your need."


"Please Anis.. please forgive yourself. You've had enough. You've wasted your emotion and love for almost 2 years. For nothing. NOTHING."

Try to pull away from what I truly thought was love
Maybe it's a sickness preying on my weakness.

Stupid.

Dear Alwi Abdul Razak and wife-to-be, Ernie Shafinaz.

Go fuck both of yourself up.

Both of you are cheaters.
Both of you are confusing person.
Both of you are cruel. For hurting the others.
Which make you guys are perfect match made from heaven.

I am judging you, and do I care?
Should I care?
It's funny this how I'm communicating with you guys.
Hey you Ernie!
Aku tak faham kenapa kau cakap kau pilih Alfi, tapi yang kau stalk facebook and blog aku nih kenapa? Apa yang kau tak puas hati dengan aku? Obviously la kau SAYANG CINTA Alwi. So? What's the problem? Go on jer lah dengan Alwi. Lelaki tuh sanggup bermadu demi kau kot. Itu pun kau BUTA lagi ker tak nampak. Kalau isteri bermadu dapat payung emas dekat syurga. Kalau suami bermadu, dapat kereta emas agaknya. Oh wait. Engkau kan sentiasa keliru. Nama boyfriends kau pun nak sama jer. Alfi ker Alwi? Alamak. F ker W kan?

And Alwi, you tak layak cakap kat I, "I want you to leave us alone".
Hello! Talk to the mirror by yourself, will ya?
You are the one who keep harassing me.

My last advice to both of you.

MASING-MASING JANGAN JADI BODOH LAH.

Do you know what you want?

You have always been indecisive since she stepped into your life.
And now you can't accept the fact that she's leaving you when you have actually planted the idea of she's the one in your mind.
She had her words. She chose him. Not you.
And you came back to me. Looking for me with the hope that my presence will soothe your pain.
As expected, we live up our love back.
I admit, my love for you has always been there. I've never actually killed it. I just keep it safe with me. Because sometimes I feel happy to embrace the love that once we had.

Once again, you changed my mind back. Since the day we met, I've never think twice or think carefully to resist you. I thought I'm strong enough to confront you and be your NORMAL friend. But I got it wrong. My heart skipped a beat when I'm with you. I tried to be there for you.

When...

I am actually attached to someone new.

That night, you apologized to me for what you did. You told me how you wish, we would've stayed longer and stronger. You've made some space for me to put a hope. I wish that hope is true. Without thinking twice, I told the new guy about what had happened.
Yes. I blew off the chance I had with him. I might sound selfish but I really feel we both could work this out this time.

But not really.

I feel more like I don't know what I want. But all I think about is your HAPPINESS. Not mine. YOURS.
Up until today, you still don't wanna leave her alone. You still think you could change her decision.
Which I have already acknowledged.
You told me you still can't get over her neither me.
Which basically, you will keep on kacau both of us.

The feelings, wanting you back keep going strong. Forgetting you seem so impossible when you are still breathing near me.

I've made up my mind. I won't walk away again this time. Not anymore. My ultimate sacrifice was worthless. I want to take back what once was mine. But you still can't decide yet you asked me to wait for you.
I know, I'm not your priority. I have never been.

There are two ways. It's either you get over her and come back to me
or
you will get her back and determine to let me go.

I am torn. You asked me to wait, but I don't know what I'm waiting for.
To get back together or to be left?
I don't know to prepare for the best or the worst.
But I understand. Truly understand.

In the end, your happiness is the only matter.
Because I've tried to be a good girlfriend for someone else but it's not working if you still can't let me go. Because you will keep kacau me and it will be hard for me to be faithful to my partner.
So this is my decision.

As long you are staying, I'll keep trying.

If you are meant to be with her or someone else, and you are happy with that particular person, I won't stand in your way.
Once you have let me go because you are truly happy with somebody, only then I could find my own happiness because you're no longer there. Don't worry about me. I always know Allah has a better plan for me.

All or nothing at all.
Only then I'll be free.

I'm not stupid.
I just want my true love to have his eternal happiness.
Because he ain't like any guy. He's different.
And
I just can't stop loving him.
Who could love you the way I do?
Now I just want you to know, how I'm touched deep in my soul just being with you.

Guess I was trying to turn the clock back.
How come that nothing feels the same now when I'm with you.

Belum sempat diriku melepas rindu

13th December - 17th December 2010
Your presence were very meaningful to me. Deep down I know you are my only truly soul mate.
All those magic feelings that I felt only when I was with you.
Only you are the person that can make me feel 'something'.
But.. everything wasn't meant for us.
I'll treasure the moments although it only lasts for a week.
I'm sorry but I guess I can't never stop loving you although it hurts me not to be with you.
And I would like to dedicate this song to you.



Di dalam mimpi kita berdua
Mesra bersama dilamun cinta
Oh tetapi kenyataannya aku sedar kau ada dia.

Derita Merindu

Kau katakan cinta gunakan akal
Bila aku gunakan, kau yang menyangkal
Bagaimana nak kekal
Kau katakan cinta gunakan minda
Bila aku gunakan, kau yang tak percaya
Bagaimana nak bahagia

Maafmu tak bererti, kau mudah sesali
Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri
Manis mulut berjanji terpedaya lagi
Menanti biar terus didustai

Kaulah bahagia bagiku
Kaulah derita bagimu
Esok lusamu
Tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa

Dan aku cuba sedaya upaya
Telah ku usaha dengan sepenuh jiwa
Bagaimana hendak ku lupa
bayangan wajahmu selalu di depan mata
harum baumu masih dapat ku hidu
Bagaimana ingin aku membencimu
Jikalau setiap hari merindu
Sekiranya derita merinduimu itu sebenarnya bahagia..
Aku pilih derita..

Mungkinkah esok atau lusa walau biarpun lama
Akan ku biar tiada ku tetap kan setia
Entah bila akan tiba sampai jua harimu yang sama
Esok seperti semalaman yang tak berubah

Kaulah tanda tanya.. kau tiada titik noktah
Ku dibuai mimpi lena dikejut igau semula
Kaulah tanda tanya.. kau tiada titik noktah
Ku dibuai mimpi lena dikejut igau semula

Seandainya kau berada di depan mata
Mudah untuk aku berkata-kata
Supaya dapatku melihat seraut wajahmu
Walaupun belum tentu kau mahu bertemu
Apalagi memandangku
Setelah ku turutkan segala kemahuan kau mainkan perasaan
Begitu mudah kau ucapkan terimalah saja kenyataan..
Aku masih terkilan

Jika kau dapat memahami hati seorang perindu
Baru kau tahu derita hatiku
Jika suatu hari nanti giliran kau merindu
Baru kau ingat derita diriku
Segala yang berlaku bukan kemahuanku
Apa gunanya bahgia
Jikalau bahagia bersamamu hanyalah untuk sementara waktu
Aku pilih derita merinduimu

Faking it

You are a very good actor don't you?

Every bit of your laugh

Every bit of your smile

Every bit of your anger

Every drop of your tears

Every word that you said

Surprisingly, they all were fake.

Thanks for faking it.

I don't remember any truthful moment with you.

All I know all those memories are awfully fake.

Faking one whole fucking year!

Anis, be strong.

NEVER

GIVE

UP

ON

ME

That's the only thing that he asked for.

"no matter what happens, please, never. ever. give up. on me."

I have to pick up the pieces,
mend the broken heart,
keep it strong,
again.

After all the things have been said and done

Wow... it's the end of the third semester and pity my little blog, I've had totally neglect you. I'm sorry.

As always, so much things happened in my life. Mostly, crazy stuff.

My life has never been messier, miserable than this.

Is this how the book ends?

When I opened my Facebook today, I was shocked with her relationship status.

The first thing appeared on my mind, "are they got into a big fight? Maybe she just wanted to 'tunjuk perasaan' to him?"

And she replied to me, "it's more than that.."

I checked out both Facebook and Myspace (yea, me being stalker).. and I was surprised with what I've found..

Oh my god!
Why is this happening to them??
All I can feel is sad..
I feel really really sad...
This is a very very sad situation..
Why they have to choose this way?
After all these years..
After what have been said and done..
Just in the blink of an eye, things could change..
Completely change...
It could become worst
or miracle could happen..

I was there.. I watched the seed grown, the flower blossom beautifully and now it's suddenly die.. it didn't even has a chance to go wilt.. its just dead.. it's gone..

It's still unbelieveable..

:'(

You caused my bestfriend to have a disease

Depression.

I'm sorry to write about this mate. I know you're not going to like this but you NEED TO BE HEARD.

I never thought the feelings that we went through a couple of week ago could lead to depression. Lucky me, I solved my problems emotionally and my partner listened to me without criticizing. That's what men should do instead giving out explanations, be defensive because you thought that you have done nothing wrong and we, girls, shouldn't be upset. We know our limits. We know when we overreacting. Just lend your ears without your mouth do the talking, would you?

I'm feeling you mate. I've got to speak up, albeit lessened, the pain is still there. I don't think so my emotional health has recovered perfectly. I'm still able to define myself fine but I'm emotionally fragile. Just now I called him and asked him why he didn't text me. I've been waiting the whole evening for his text, and how hurtful it is when he said, "I don't text you because I don't feel like I want to. I have my friends come over my house. Would it be fine if I don't text you tonight?"

*sigh*

It is OKAY with me if you want to spend your time with your buddies but would you at least let me know first? And it is NOT OKAY when you have planned to do something and you don't inform it to us by yourself, we have to asked you first instead. It's not like we're gonna restrict you. I'm sick here.. Couldn't you at least show some care or pretend to be one?

Moreover, you can't expect us to be happy when with our friends. It is different. When you have problem with us, you run away from it, do the things that you like, hangout with your buddies, and you prefer to forget about us. Unlike girls, no matter how joyful we are when with our friends, the resentment and rejection inside us are growing stronger if we are unable to communicate with you emotionally. We still looking forward to talk with you although we already know how would you react. Thus, go out and enjoy with friends can't help in reducing our distress. We would have talked about it million times to our best friend, but they can't fix the damage. We want you. We need to be distracted at the same time.

The worst thing that may come with this situation is that, we would develop an urge feeling to contact back and tell the problem to our first love. Yea, Mr. Ex-boyfriend you may called. They were a part of us back then and we assumed that they would understand our feelings. Usually.. they do and they will say something nice that can soothe our mixed feelings.

And mate, we really need to move on.

I better stop now.

Sekadar sebuah dedikasi bukan untuk dihargai.

Pejam celik pejam celik, sudah hampir setahun berlalu. Dan sudah hampir setahun juga kita berdua berpisah. Ooops! Baik kau berhenti membuat andaian. Ini bukan warkah menagih cinta kembali. Bak kata perempuan gedik, "Ohh god! Puhhleezzz!"

Jika ingin tahu apa yang aku cuba nyatakan, silalah sorot matamu ke bawah.

Berdasarkan mood yang terpampang di profile aku itu, aku nyatakan aku very terkilan! Dan headline ku juga berbunyi nada sindir kepada seseorang. Siapakah seseorang itu? Kamu patut tahu sendiri. Ya, itu kamu.

Aku berasa terkilan dengan sikapmu kebelakangan ini kerana ternyata kamu berusaha sungguh untuk membuangku terus dari hidupmu. Dan aku juga sangat terkilan kerana engkau sudah jauh berubah daripada dirimu yang aku pernah kenali, pernah aku sayangi suatu masa dulu. Aku mengaku, aku sangatlah tidak suka penampilan terkini dirimu. Malah aku berasa sangat jelek melihatnya dan ya, aku berasa kecewa terhadapnya. Mungkin itulah identiti yang engkau inginkan selama ini. Tahniah diucapkan kerana engkau telah menemui identiti yang kau idamkan selama ini. Engkau gembira dan bangga, aku sekadar tumpang sahaja melihat kegembiraan dan kebanggaan milikmu itu. Aku lebih selesa dengan penampilan bersahaja dan santai engkau ketika bersamaku dahulu. Satu helai baju dan seluar sudah cukup buat dirimu dan aku cukup suka dengan rambut ikal milikmu yang suatu masa dahulu kerap singgah di jari jemariku. Bukannya apa, sekadar memanjakan dirimu. Berhenti! Itu kisah silam dahulu. Tetapi kini, rambut itu menjadi bahana mesin pemanas yang mampu meluruskan rambut ikal mu.

Itu satu. Yang duanya, terus-terang aku katakan, aku sangat gembira apabila mendapat khabar bahawa kau akhirnya telah menemui sang suria penyeri hidupmu. Tidak langsung terguris hatiku atau pun berasa cemburu dengan penemuan yang mampu mengubah hidup engkau sekali lagi. Aku gembira kerana lelaki yang pernah aku sayangi dahulu kini mampu berasa dirinya disayangi semula dan akan dijaga oleh seorang perempuan yang sangat dambakan kasih sayang daripada seorang yang bernama lelaki. Dia sangat bertuah mendapat seorang lelaki yang sangat baik hati seperti engkau. Malah, aku sangat gembira untuk kamu dan aku berdoa semoga hubungan kamu berdua berpanjangan dan mendapat jodoh seperti mana aku sering doakan dengan hubunganku dengan kekasihku kini.

Tetapi, aku hairan. Aku hairan kenapa sepanjang persahabatan kita selepas perpisahan kita itu, dirimu tidak terlalu menjauh dan engkau, sama sekali tidak pernah berubah. Sepanjang enam bulan selepas itu, dirimu masih tetap sama seperti mana yang aku tinggalkan dan kenapa baru kini kau berubah? Kenapa tidak dahulu? Dan yang sebenarnya membuat aku berasa terkilan adalah, kenapa perlu engkau terbitkan perasaan marah dan benci terhadap dirimu sekarang? Kenapa tidak dahulu?

Buat pengetahuan dirimu, selepas kita berpisah aku cuba untuk menjadi kawan baik dengan dirimu kerana diri ini berasa bersalah meninggalkan mu dan menyulam cinta baru bersama dengan seseorang yang sepatutnya bukan baru dalam hidupku. Tetapi memang telah lama aku sukakan pada dirinya sebelum hadirnya dirimu. Entah kenapa, aku boleh terjatuh cinta kepadamu. Dan tidak malu jika aku nyatakan bahawa aku merasakan engkaulah cinta pertama ku. Yes. First love. Benci sekali untuk aku nyatakan perkara ini kerana ku tidak pernah tahu, apakah makna diriku terhadap dirimu selepas kita berpisah. Mungkin aku hanyalah sekadar persinggahan di dalam hidupmu, di dalam hatimu. Aku ingin sangat tahu dan bertanya tapi aku tahu, kau pasti tidak akan menjawab. Biarlah persoalan itu tergantung dan menjadi rahsia kecil hatimu kerana jika ku tahu pun, ia tidak akan mengubah apa-apa fakta.

Tetapi, jangan kau risau. Aku tidak pernah terfikir untuk kembali, aku tidak pernah terfikir untuk menagih cinta dahulu, aku tidak pernah memberi seinci pun ruang di dalam hati ku kepada mu selepas engkau membuat keputusan untuk berputus denganku pada setahun yang lepas. Selepas ini, engkau (yang akuh pernah kenali dahulu dan bukan sekarang) sebagai first love ku hanya sekadar di kotak mindaku dan sama sekali tempat untukmu jauh bukan di hatiku. Kenangan lalu telah lama pudar dan memang ada diantaranya aku telah lupa pun. Seolah-olah telah dipudarkan mengguna Clorox sehingga menjadi putih suci berseri dan tiada apa yang kelihatan. Diriku tak ubah seperti orang bodoh mengenangkan orang yang tidakkan mungkin kenangkan aku. Persetankanlah cinta pertama!

Cukuplah engkau tahu bahawa aku ternyata sekali adalah perempuan yang merasakan dirinya paling bertuah kerana disayangi dan dikasihi oleh seorang lelaki bernama Alwi. Dan aku tidak pernah sayangkan orang lain seperti dirinya sebegini unik. Aku dijaga dengan sempurnanya dengan dia. Dialah lelaki idamanku dan aku adalah perempuan idamannya. Ingin aku jadikan dia, lelaki yang terakhir dalam seumur hidup aku. Mungkin kami masih muda, tapi cinta tidak mengenal usia. Dia cinta terakhir aku. Insyaallah. And yes, I am happy in terms of bahagia. Aku tidak berniat untuk menunjuk-nunjuk. Sekadar meluahkan. And yes, I hate you for who you are now and what you have done recently. Personally, "deleting" me from your "life" just make yourself look like a fool to me. Everything is empty for you now and don't you worry.

Sekian saja. Semoga selamat menjalani hari-hari hidupmu.

P.S: Leganya aku.. Ini adalah isi hatiku yang terakhir berkaitan dirimu. 100% tulen dan tiada dusta.
P.S.S: Kau tidak perlu memberitahu kesemuanya kepada si dia. Aku tidak mahu dia terus membenciku membabi buta. "What people don't know, won't hurt them"
P.S.S: Ini adalah entri blog pertama di dalam hidupku menggunakan Bahasa Melayu.

Selamat tinggal dan engkau, boleh blah.

Life is sad

Done my best in SPM '07 which is also the final public exam I'd have sitted.

Done with my school life after 11 years.

Had a real working experience even though just for a short period.

Done with my first love.

Got an average result for SPM.
Just 5A's with credits for all science subjects which is totally sucks.

Selected for National Service and went for it.
Learnt many things about
real people,
real life
and
real me.

Got rejected by UPU's first intake and currently;

there's no study offer for me (I got Form 6 but don't have guts to take STPM)
+
get confused with the courses that I'm planning to take
+
not in the right path for a bright future and feel left out
=
I'm such a big loser.

*sigh*

Million sorry for not updating and neglecting my blog for over half a year!

I am back, my readers.

Cheers!

p/s: I've just customized my blog layout and accidentally removed the blogroll links. For those whom is my regular reader, please let me know and I'll put up your link. Thank you.

Its not the destination that matters, its the journey

Most of my friends would know that typical me is a happy go lucky and bubbly type of person. And I believe that I tend to take things lightly, don't worry about many things, have a very strong positive thinking, not looking at the past and keep moving on and just be happy what will I get for the things that I've done. Regardless whether it turns out to be good or not, I will always try my best to accept the pros and cons. I'm kind of easy to get over the consequences that I've got in my past too.

Oh, yes. This is a thought that I had during SPM week. To tell you the truth, I'm not hoping for straight A's at all. I'm not that smart. I'm not stupid, just daaaamn lazy. I have a feeling that I'm going to get average results for my SPM. But I always found myself still smiling and cheering others after we had answered the papers. I don't even do checking and worrying for the answers that I've wrote down on that bloody papers. I called that, redha or pasrah jer la.

I think, that's NOT a GOOD attitude. It's SO BAD to think like that! I've been doing it most of the times. Especially when it comes to exams. Yet, I haven't changed at all. When I told my friends that, it's okay for me to get at least 5A's in SPM.. I have a feeling that they look down on me.. Heh. And that's show my selfishness and ignorance too. I don't know why I didn't work hard to get straight A's so that my parents will be proud of me.

And oh yeah, have I told you that lately I'm really eager to enter UPM and do Diploma in 'Kesihatan Haiwan dan Ternakan'? Like seriously, that's my ambition. After do Diploma, I will continue to do Degree and my carrier in future will got something to do with penternakan.

When I told people that's my ambition, as always.. they will laugh at me. I guess their impressions are:
1. Do penternakan?? Macam kerja kuli jer. Not professional at all. Can do lots of money ker?
2. Wanna enter UPM? Isn't that is IPTA? Is it good? Tak class lah masuk IPTA. Better go to college.
3. Do Diploma? Migodd.. so ketinggalan zaman. People nowadays do A-Levels and Foundation la.

And as always, I will just draw a smile on my face and say, "It's my ambition since I was small to work with animals but I don't wanna be vet because I need to take Medic. I don't like it." they will go.. ohhh.. Then, I would ask them, "Most of colleges also don't offer separa profesional courses right?"

Actually, I don't wanna talk about IPTS and IPTA at here. I will blog about it some other time.

Back to the topic, I'll simply ignore people's impression and I want to prove them wrong. And I would like to share this saying to you;

Sometimes we just think too much.
Well, thats a different story for some of you.

At the end of the day, its just the same bloody paper that you've been doing for the past 2 years of your life.
But its the same 10 papers that broke the strongest will of people.
The same 10 papers that shook the lives of many.
The same 10 papers that actually changed people's lives.

So is it really worth it to give our full acknowledgement, fear, respect and thought to these papers?
After all, its nothing compared to what you've gone through..

Its not the destination that matters, its the journey.

I have no reason to disagree with what he said.
I also realized that, student's pride shouldn't be judged by his SPM result. I realized that SPM is all about EFFORTNESS. Only hard work and preserverance will pay it off.

I would like to dedicate this post to my fellow mates who feels low about their perfomances in SPM... because I feel the same too...

Cheers!

Torn

A part of me wants to leave you alone.
A part of me wants to be here with you.
A part of me says I'm living a lie.
A part of me says to think it through.
A part of me says I'm over you.
A part of me wants to say goodbye.
A part of me says it's all my fault.
A part of me says I can't do that.
A part of me is asking why.....

A part of me wants to leave.
But a part of me wants to be here with you.
And everytime I think we're over and done,
You make me fall back in love.
And you got me just torn.

Now I'm sitting here and I'm so confused.
Torn in between the two.
Cuz I really wanna be with you.
But something's telling me I should leave you alone.

Counting days

Instead, counting down the days until I sit for my coming diagnostic exam, I'm also counting the days and waiting patiently till I can meet him again. I miss him terribly..

We hadn't seen for more than a month. The last time we saw each other was a few days ago just for 2 fucking hours??! Actually, it was my fault for coming late and I don't know why that day I felt so unlucky.

Didn't meet for 1 Month = 2 hours meeting??

Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! T_T

BENCI GILER! Dah la on the way nak pegi Mid Valley tuh, hujan lebat nak mampus. And great, aku pulak pakai white tops. Selamat tak basah giler.

And yesterday, he told me he can't make it to my school carnival because he got his driving class or something on that day. I thought, after the school carnival is over, I wanna go to Tasik Titiwangsa. I wanna take a ride of the Ferris Wheel with him or at least have a walk and whatsoever.

DAYM! DAYM!

And I don't think so we can meet during weekdays because I've got curriculum activities after school and he probably got his driving class or have to look after his little sister at home. I told him to bring his sister but he doesn't want. I also had enough every time seeing him, I'm wearing my school T-shirt, my school track bottom, carrying my school bag and the worst part is wearing my school shoes! I don't like to see the school students dating and wearing their school stuff. So why should I be like one of them?

URGH!

Then, the next two weeks he will go back to college and yeahh.. I'm starting to busy with my study. What I'm afraid the most is, I know I'm going to get over the feelings but then once I'm started to get used with it.. things going to change. Probably not..

x(

I fucking hate it when my feelings started to mixed up!

P.S: Ahaa.. you have wasted your time by reading this crap.
P.S.S: I'm hoping he will read this post..
P.S.S.S: I miss you soooo bad! x(

The Break Up?

- This time it's about my personal feelings. Read or leave. TQ.

Oh well... I'm not going to talk about The Break-Up movie okayh? Haha. Of course it's gotta do with me.. but hey-hey.. I'm not breaking up with my boyfriend okayh? Haha.. Actually I just found out that I'm a bit weird lately. Guess what? I don't know why I can imagine myself breaking up with him..? ... and what would happen to me if I break up with him? Without him.. in my life??

..... -_-"

That's totally weird! I don't know how this thing can crossed my mind. It's not like we're having a big fight or I'm unhappy with my relationship. Haha.. I'm weird~! Maybe I just started to be prepared. ;P Dehh.. I'm such a bad girlfriend to think like that. But when I think of it, I'm wondering what will happen to me not to be with him anymore? What I'm gonna do without him in my life? It would be ten times sucks I suppose.. would I get over him quickly or cry on my bed everyday and feel so weak without him? Then I compared himself with my ex. He's my first couple and my time with him was pretty short and thank god, I didn't have a chance to love him so much. Why? Because he's ten times sucks than anyone else. Haha.. I never thought I would fall for some kind of jerk. And because of that it's pretty easy for me to get over him and move on with my life. One thing I proud of myself is I didn't even shed a single tear for him when asking for a break from him.. Oh well, he didn't even deserved it.

After broke up with him, I enjoyed my life so much. I flirted with every guys and that's when someone walked into my life. It was sudden. That is Asyraf. I thought he was just fooling around with me. I never thought he would have a feelings for me. I remember when he said, "I love you" to me for the first time. I was like,
"Err.. whateverrr! We're just flirting around aite?"
and ignored what he said. Haha.. It took some time for me to figured out my feelings towards him. So far, he treats me very nice.. Obviously, ten times nicer than my ex could do. Hahaha. I am happy with him and it's been quite some time we have been together and no way he would let me go. Neither me.. =)

And that's what makes me afraid to think about us after the relationship.. but I don't think so I'd get over him quickly like I did to my ex though. The more I think about it, the harder it gets to not-to-forget-him. *sigh*

Oh well.. SPM first!

Lonely in the Crowd

I'm being so emo today. Hate it. I hate it when people see me cry. It annoys me when they keep asking me why I'm crying. I just hate to cry in front of people!

Today, my school got Hari Membina Azam. As usual, I fell asleep during the motivation speech. Actually, I do fall asleep fast in my school hall. Nothing happens till the climate of the event. We all have to sing a few songs as a symbol that we are strong in anything that we're doing. (Actually, I just made it up) *cough* So, we all sang Fikirkan Boleh (lame song, i know), Heal The World, Hero by Mariah Carey and Greatest Love of All. In the hall, I sat with my classmates and most of them have their own clique. When we were singing the first three songs, we were still sitting in our lines because our discipline teacher didn't allowed us to stand up like the previous years. We don't know why. But when the fourth song which is the The Greatest Love of All began to start, she allowed us to stand up and people started to gather around with their clique.

Somehow, I'm started to feel lonely in the crowd, feel left out and sad. As myself singing, I saw my friends' cliques keep holding each other. Singing together. Just like I used to do when I was in Form 3 and last year. During that time, I was so close with Farah, Ru, Ain, Izati, Shaf and Amy. Now, I find myself standing back and reminiscing when I have to watch my friends holding with their besties and clique. I remember the time I spent together with them and thought we've should be together by now but what I was see right before my eyes are....

Farah and Amy holding hands with their classmates. Ru, Ain and Shaf as well. With their own clique. I know we no longer spend much time together because we are in the different classes and they've got their own clique but seems like they've forgotten me. From behind, I watching and waiting. I wonder if they would atleast turn their head around to find me or feel something is incomplete. I was hoping and waiting but... none of them try to look at the back. I feel so sad. Even until now. Plus, Shaf is being cold to me as school started. I don't know what's wrong with her. Last year also she did the same thing to me. Her reason was, I'm becoming Shaz. *sigh* But now? She can't keep on blaming me. Even I noticed that she's hardly to approach me or hardly say anything to me.

When the song get into the chorus, it moves me when I listen to the lyrics. I burst into tears. I felt so left out. It's not like I can't join and sing together with other cliques. But how would you feel if someone suddenly turn up and join your group? Even you are nice with the person but you must feel disturbed because you want to be together with your group. Right after the session finished, Hidayah noticed I was crying and I'm glad that she comforted me. Thanks dear. I really need it. In canteen, I catch Ru and hugged her from back. Suddenly, I felt like crying. I told her I miss the good old days. But she... just forget it.. My tears still couldn't stop from coming out. I decided to let go all my tears. I cried in the toilet. I still couldn't believe how emo I was. Hurmm.. somehow I still shed a tear for what happened today. ='(

Is this the way he treat his girl??!!

FUCK OFF!! Im totally hate it!! Where the hell he is when i need him?? Where the hell he is when im down?? Where the hell he is when im happy?? He never be there for me! He's different now. He's no longer the Fik that i've known before. And now i've gotta know the REAL FIK! YES! THE REAL FIK! He seems don't have enough time for me i guess. He's totally changed!! Okay.. fine! Maybe its just me coz its my first time to have a boyfriend. But hey!! HELLO!! I don't think so guy would treat their girl in this way. I thought he would cherish me and draw a smile on my face but oh godd.. that's all will happen only in my dreams. I never felt sooooo lonely before!! He used to called me sweetheart everytime wish me good nite. He would says he misses me if we didn't talk for atleast one day. He would call me sayang, dear and such. But now.. where have they gone?? Where all the sweetie2 talks?? Im a fool!! I think i love Fik whom i know before. Whom im falling for. Not this one. Not Fik whom is my boyfriend now. Im not sure whether his heart is still with me or not. I think he had realized that he don't love me or he CAN'T love me. Maybe that's why he asked me to think carefully about us. He's the ONE who actually CAN'T and DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!

hey hello fik.. um.. ikotkn anis nk jer call fik tapi anis takot fik pnat..um fik..im really2 sorry bout yesterday.. bout da msg yg.. um.. bsn tuh n eveything time kita kuar smalam...actly we still need to talk bout.. well, u noe.. um.. if fik btol2 free nnt, tak ngantok, ada mud tak pnat sumer.. dont forget to msg me kay? kalau baik ati call lah.. haha.. taa..

ms anis ckp psal aper yg anis rasa smalam pn fik cam taknk ckp psal tuh.. tau lah fik jenis pendam perasaan sorg2 but its kinda hard for me to accept fik yg skrang nih.. lg susah anis nk fhm fik skrang.. you're totally diff from da fik dat i've known before.. takkan la fik nk brubah ikot musim kot.. time cuti camnih, then time da start new sem camtuh blk.. i dont want u to change.. atleast to me kay?.. but yesterday.. y u didnt hold my hand? i wait for u to do 1st tapi smalam pn fik btol2 penat kn? but syg.. i really appreciated dat u still wanna go out wif me eventho fik btol2 pnat smalam.. hurm.. sorry kay? taa.. anis syg fik..